Average Joe Season 2 Made Me So, So Sad

A dating show should not make you this depressed.

For the past few months, I've been watching season 2 of the early 2000s dating competition show Average Joe along with Nick and Wyatt of Guilty Dogs Productions as they streamed it. We knew any reality show from this era would be rough. We had just watched the first season of Flavor of Love, which had plenty of moments that were hard to watch. But what we didn't expect is that at the end of the nine-episode season, the guys, and the entire chat, would just want to die.

Our heroine Larissa, who I do think is gorgeous.

Here is the premise of Average Joe. A smokin' hot lady is so excited to be on this dating show where a bunch of smokin' hot guys are gonna compete for her love. But what she doesn't know is, she has been TRICKED. All the contestants are actually... normal looking dudes! Can any of these "average Joes" win the heart of a beautiful supermodel?

they're just normal men

So you can already see why this show is problematic at best. Larissa is initially painted as extremely shallow. She sees all these lovely boys and feels like she's been pranked. And, to be fair, she kind of has. You sign up for a dating show, you expect hunks, not normal looking dudes. And of course, according to this show, "normal" might as well be "hideous." The opening titles include a shot of a woman kissing a frog. The show never calls them ugly, but we know what we're supposed to think.

In a predictably heart-warming storyline, however, Larissa starts to warm up to these fellas. We have an early frontrunner in Tony, who shares her love of art and has shaved cool shapes into his facial hair. (He ends up being a bust because outside of being an artist there's not much to him.) After a few episodes we think, maybe this won't be so bad. Larissa is likeable, only a couple of the dudes actually suck and most of them are voted off early. Maybe we can leave this show with a smile on our face, glad to see that a hot lady can actually love a normal man.

oh my... what could this be

And then.. the Chads appear.

 

THE WHITE BOYS HAVE ARRIVED

In episode 3, we are treated to some of the most incredible editing you'll ever see on reality television. As Larissa and the fellas have fun on the beach, we keep cutting back to an ominously approaching yacht chock full of hunks. They proudly proclaim in their talking heads that they are here to ruin everything. Larissa will run to them immediately, grateful her prayers for a hot boy have been answered, and the Chads will destroy any chances the Joes were FOOLISH enough to think they had. They start having physical competitions that are all meant to make the Joes feel insecure. But the message of this show is that beauty is only skin deep, right? So while most of the Joes remaining are pretty chill, nice guys (except Fredo with that whole surreal sequence where they put him in a submarine to spy on Larissa), the Chads are either extremely dull or actual jerks. There's an incredible episode where Larissa disguises herself as her own mother to interview the guys, hides a camera to see what they'll say about her mother, and one of the Chads named Michael who isn't even hot fat-shames her. That guy made it to the final three Chads. It was dire.

the special effects are fantastic

By the finale, we are left with two boys. The first is Gil, a blond, blue-eyed, boring beefcake. Larissa is obviously extremely attracted to him. In the semi-finale he reveals to her that he recently hooked up with his ex. He excuses his lack of personality as him being nervous on camera, but then reveals to Larissa during his hometown visit in the finale that he wants to be an actor. Larissa tells us that he's a mystery she wants to unpack, but let's be real. There's nothing in that man's head.

honk shoo mimimi

And then we our stallion, Brian. Brian doesn't stand out much at the beginning of the season besides having the strongest Boston accent you have ever heard, but as time goes on he becomes the star of the show. He's sweet, he's funny, he gets an extremely flattering haircut partway through the season that proves he's a cutie. The only issue to me is the age gap; Larissa is I think 24 while Brian is 31. But that's not uncommon on dating shows like this, ultimately I think it's fine.

i literally love him

Larissa and Brian have multiple solo dates where they really open up to each other. Larissa has been in multiple long-term relationships that have ended poorly, while Brian has always been scared of commitment. Just compare his hometown visit to Gil's. What does Gil do with Larissa? He, uh. Shows her the construction site he works at and then immediately tells her about his acting dreams. Gil doesn't show her his favorite places in Fort Lauderdale, he takes her to some fancy resort to have dinner. Meanwhile, Brian gives her the Boston experience. He takes her to a marina to catch some lobsters. They go to Fenway Park and meet his favorite baseball player. They go get drinks with his friends, and THEN he takes her to the fancy restaurant. He clearly loves Boston, but when Larissa asks if he would move to Los Angeles to be with her, he says yes.

"I fell in love in center field at Fenway Park." - Boston Brian, my king

In the end, it's not enough. Despite everything, Larissa is clearly just not attracted to Brian as much as she is to Gil. She picks Gil, and tells him she's looking forward to learning more about him. I figured the WHOLE POINT of the show would be getting to know the guys who are competing for you, but what do I know, right?

The day love died.

Still, it's a dating show. Brian may be leaving with his precious little heart broken, but at least we will be told that this is Larissa's happily ever after. The show will PRETEND this was the correct choice. That's what dating shows do. Right? RIGHT? No. In a "shocking" twist, a week or so after the decision, Larissa informs Gil that she had dated Fabio for nine months. You remember Fabio, right? The dude who was on the cover of all those romance novels and was briefly consider like, the hottest dude in the world? The 2000s were weird. And Gil hates, HATES, that she dated Fabio. In a talking head, he informs us that any guy would be upset, and we know why. Gil, I literally don't. If anything, I'd be proud to have pulled a girl who had once dated a sex symbol! Does he think Fabio gave her an STD? Does he think Larissa is a slut for having been in a committed relationship with a guy for nine months? Whatever it was, Gil throws a tantrum and breaks up with Larissa on the spot like the manchild he is.

tfw my boyfriend dumps me because i dated Fabio???

The show lingers on Larissa, lying on a couch, as memories of her time with Brian flash before her eyes. She knows, in her heart, that she should have picked him. And then the show ends.

Never, NEVER, have I seen a dating competition show end with nobody getting what they want. I've never experienced television like this. Average Joe broke new ground in creating what was supposed to be a escapist story of love prevailing over all, of a normal little guy just like you finding true love, and yanking that all away, leaving you empty and alone. (In reality, both Brian and Larissa seem to be doing quite well for themselves, but no one knew that in 2004.) You will never be happy. No one ever will be. Love isn't real, and even if it is, you will never have it. This might be the greatest season of television ever made.